Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
As a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males have open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed demanding, often causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I desire a partner to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.